Depaved New Orleans

Home to Many Pot Hos

the project. "This place has been depaved forever," said one uniden-tified motorist, in a telephone in-terview conducted just before she ran into a telephone pole.

Others expressed skepticism that anything other than the uptown pot hos would be serviced. "They only take care of the rich folk," one resident remarked. "To me, it seems like a whole lotta NADA."

City officials denied that getting the hos out of the streets had anything to do with imminent advent of the Super Bowl. "On the contrary, everyone knows those football players love their hos," said one streetworker on condition of anonymity. Hoh Bros. has announced that shortly after Christmas, they will focus their efforts on Marigny and the French Quarter, especially on January 19. Ho, ho, ho!

* LLC = Lick Like Crazy

HADES—With the average New Orleans street now looking a lot like the runway at the Kandahar airport in Afghanistan, it will take equipment of extraordinary size to fill all the pot hos. Fortunately, the Krewe of Underwear's subsidiary, the Hoh Bros. Erection Company, LLC*, has the right tools for the job.

Protected by their ribbed, extra-sensitive hard-on hats, the Hoh Bros. Erection company will plunge right in. "We will not turn over and fall asleep until we have filled every pot ho in the city!" pledge a Hoh Bros. foreskinman.

Hoh Bros. will cooperate with city and private entities who share

responsibility for the pot hos. Specifically, the erection workers are partnering with BellesSouth callgirl service, EnterG-Spot, and the Bondage & Whipping Board.

To keep the pot hos from needing to be refilled so soon, Hoh Bros. is bringing in some special equipment. This includes pneu-matic Johnsonhammers, a huge on-you r-backho, and a special type of assphalt that guarantees to cover all cracks.

New Orleans drivers (at least those driving in a state of enough consciousness to actually notice the pot hos) were ecstatic about

Hispermia Bank Takes Screwing

Customers To a Whole New Level

IN THE VAGINAL VAULT— Living up to its motto, "Where Servicing You Really Matters", Hispermia National Bank has announced a series of policy changes that will take the concept of screwing your customers to a whole new level.

The biggest change is that Hi-spermia is now offering 24 hour automated deposits, through its new ITM (Inflatable Teller Machine) system. However, there will be stiff penalties for early withdrawals.

The designer of the slick new system, Screwella la Monnaie, assured customers that "with the new automated deposit service, we have worked hard to preserve the same comfort level offered by our in-house service representatives. Specifically,

sperm depositors can expect a soft, faux-flesh lining with an anatomically-correct, spring-tight design. It's the ultimate in banking pleasure."

Hispermia's Cumtroller, Roland Over, confirmed that the changes were partly in response to customer demands for easier banking access, and partly to keep pace with competitors like Bank Cum. "We didn't want them to spurt ahead of us," he said.

To promote the new customer servicing, Hispermia has an-nounced that depositors opening new accounts can now get two for one sperm, along with a free turkey baster. "This should really blow customers' minds, as well as

other parts of their bodies," said a Hi-sper-mia marketing manager.

Another upgrade for the bank is newly installed safe deposit boxes, which Hispermia officials promise to keep well-lubricated.

Other familiar Hispermia policies will remain unchanged. For example, there will still be a 25 cents per minute charge to see a live teller, (50 cents per minute for more exotic transactions), and some deposits may not be available for immediate with-drawal.

"At Hispermia, our customers always cum first," exclaimed Cumtroller Over. "Despite our recent changes, we promise to maintain our commitment to the three Gs: Gism, G-Spots and Genitalia."