Seeds Reveal Parochial

Pre-Dick-A-Ment:

Pope Tom Benson

bin Laden

Emerges

to Lead

Tali-Band

KANDAHAR, TEXAS— Having apparently decided that life as an Afghan hillbilly was getting a little too taxing, Osama bin Laden and his few remaining followers have emerged as guitar-playing Texas hillbillies. Keeping their long beards, beating their Uzis into guitars, and donning cheap sunglasses, they have formed a rock & roll group called The Tali-band.

"While we were hiding in our caves watching American television, we saw an old ZZ Top video, and inspiration struck," explained one terrorist turned rock star. "It's cool: chicks dig the beards, and we like this other white powder much better anyway."

The only down side, according to the Taliband member, was that their strict intepretation of Islam forbids them from listening to their own music. "Rehearsals are a bit disorganized," he admitted.

Signed to the Pan Records label, the Taliband's first release should be available soon. Tracks reportedly include "Allah Along the Watchtower", "Evil Woman", "Gimme Shelter", and "Al Qaida, Qaida".

To promote the new disk, PR personnel were handing out a special new candy, Talibon-bons.

The record release party will be held in the French Quarter on January 19, when the Taliband joins the Krewe of Pan in the KdV parade. Break out your burkha and rock on!

THE VATICAN'T— New Orleans is undeniably a Catholic town. Bienville brought more than just a bouffant hairdo when he founded his city in the swamp; he brought missionaries, including the infamous Father Pedophilus, and many other Catholic bigwigs.

Taking up the rear of his en-tourage were the Ursulines Sisters, whose prayers to Our Lady of Prompt Succor have repeatedly saved the city from yellow fever, hurricanes, and even, in the War of 1812, British food.

But now, in the depraved new world of the millennium, the city is once again in need—but no Magic Oreo miracles are saving the populace. Where is St. Rosa-lie, who saved Kenner from an anthrax epidemic in 1899, now that the Post Office needs her? Have we replaced Saint Roch, patron of dogs and plague victims, with the pagan King Barkus?

Worst of all, is it true that we have strayed so far that we now recognize a used car salesman and football team owner as the Pope?

Intrepid reporting by the Seeds of Decline has revealed that Mayor Marcaligula Morial and Governor Mike "Bananas" Foster have made unthinkable deals to keep the Saints in New Orleans. Due to years of fiscal mismanage-ment, money to simply bribe the greedy team owner was not available. As a last resort, they offered to name the bellicose Benson "Pope Tom", thereby placing all the income of the local Catholic system at his disposal.

Inside sources have informed the Seeds that Pope Tom cannot get by on the bingo income alone. Preliminary plans to keep filling his bottomless wallet include:

• turning closed churches in Marigny and Bywater into "Cathedrals of the Instant Sucker", where locals can find minimum wage jobs and/or deposit their paychecks in slot machines and on card tables. Governor Bananas has pledged that the state will continue to make up any revenue shortfalls.
• sending parochial school girls and altered boys to work the streets, where they will no longer start "much too late".
• leveling the historic Iberville Project and replacing it with a new cathedral/stadium. The nearby St. Jude's Church will become the box office, while St. Louis cemetary will become the prime place for tailgate parties (keep a close eye on the ribs).

In addition, the Governor has agreed to reverse the motorcycle helmet law again, and require bikers to wear Saints helmets, which can be purchased through the new archdiocese.

Never one to leave the table empty-handed, Mayor Morial did wring a few concessions from the new pope. Forced to leave the office he had intended to hold for life, the mayor did at least win new jobs for his many bodyguards, who will be hawking those $8 beers in the new stadium. Pope Tom will also fund a sex change operation that will allow hizzoner to become one of the Saintsations.

Citizens are urged to pray the rosary to prevent all this from happening. Unfortunately, the Seeds believe that—unlike his football team—Pope Tom cannot be stopped.