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Rue Bourbon Has A Super Bowel Movement |
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THE STUPERDOME— It was turd down and goal to go when suddenly a flag was thrown. The referee intoned, "Penalty on Tagliapoo for illegal dumping on Krewe Rue Bourbon's parade. Move back five yards or one week, return all throws to Krewe Rue Bourbon, and buy each Krewe member a margarita." In response, Depraved New World (DNW) Czar Paul Tagliapoo issued the City of New Orleans an edict: "Reschedule the Krewe du Vieux parade for Super Bowel XXXVI or the DNW will take its Super Bowel trophy to a cesspool elsewhere." The Krewe du Vieux faithful cried foul, but the DNW blitzed the city under the protection of the Federal Bowel Investigators and the National Guardians of Toiletries. Simple civil liberties such as listening to Turley's Toilet Talk and the freedom to dump in non-DNW-licensed toilets were put on hold, causing an epidemic of locked bowels. |
As a result, Krewe du Vieux will treat its fans to the excitement of running and passing plays a week early, on January 19, at 7:00 PM. The runs will be slick, and the pass plays will be lightly flatulent. Some new Super Bowel terms:
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Rue Bourbon's cheerleaders vowed not to take this crap sitting down. The Krewe intends to roll through the Quarter in its own monstrous Super Bowel, chanting "The Super Bowel rap
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Morgus Arrested! |
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CENTRAL LOCKUP— New Orleans icon "Morgus the Magnifi-cent" was arrested last night on charges stemming from an incident that occurred in his newly reopened laboratory. A police spokesperson told Monde de Merde that a fight broke out in the lab between Morgus and his clone, Morgus-1. Apparently the cloning experiment was problematic, in that the cloned Morgus developed a depraved personality and could not contain his foul language. In the course of the fight, Morgus pushed Morgus-1 out of a second-story window in the lab. He was subsequently charged with "making an obscene clone fall". Futher investigation revealed that Morgus had been conducting cloning experiments in his reopened lab for some time. After the incident, several clones of Chopsley were found milling about the lab in a confused state. |
The eight-foot Chopsley-3 was brought in for questioning in connection with the dispute, to be released later into the custody of the psyche unit at Charity Hospital. Doctors are still trying to determine how his head became so engorged and swollen, and the NO/AIDS Task Force was asked to provide an oversized condom when it became clear that a straitjacket could not contain him. Morgus admitted to having cloned a variety of local and national celebrities, politicians and other characters, and dozens of bad cloning experiments may have escaped during the altercation. The public has been asked to report any persons displaying multiple or misplaced appendages, multiple or depraved personalities, or who are generally rowdy and
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rambunctious. Elvis sightings should be considered particularly suspicious, as should any -sightings of former members of the now-defunct Krewe of Clones. There is also concern that the escaped clones may be plotting to reproduce themselves. Police advise anyone encountering a clone to cooperate fully with any all requests they may make, inclu-ding providing alcoholic beverages, sexual favors and bathroom access. Morgus has been released on bail, and he and Chopsley-3 will be working with authorities to round up the cloning disasters. A mobile, makeshift lab has been set up in hopes of attracting the clones to familiar surroundings, and will parade with the Krewe du Vieux on January 19. Following the parade, a round-up of captured clones will be held at the "De-raved Palace Theater". |