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IN THE LAB IN THE LAB—Is anyone really surprised
that, after all the competition and controversy over cloning, the
Krewe of K.A.O.S. has become the first to (more or less) successfully
clone human beings?
With a staff of mad scientists, most of them mutants
in their own right, and an endless supply of both testes tubes and
soma, K.A.O.S. had everything it needed to bring this dystopian
dream to life. Now this depraved krewe and its indomitable emir
have gone the way of all great New Orleans institutions: they've
commercialized completely.
That's right, anyone who can come up with the bucks
and a special "something extra" for the emir can now have himself
or herself (or itself) cloned. Already, a number of local and national
politicians and other celebrities have taken advantage of this unprecedented
opportunity-al-though, as a krewe spokesperson admitted, early results
have been a bit spotty. To wit:
- Saints very offensive lineman Kyle Turley had
himself cloned. Unfortunately, the original and the clone turned
on each other, and ended up ripping each other's heads off.
- Mayor Marc Morial requested 250,000 clones of
himself in a last ditch attempt to win the charter change vote.
Limited production capabilities forced K.A.O.S. to limit the order
to only two clones; one had no brain, and turned out to be Troy
Carter, while the other one morphed into Ray Nagin.
- Governor "Bananas" Foster had himself cloned,
but the clone and original crashed their motorcycles into each
other while leaving the K.A.O.S. lab. Since neither was wearing
a helmet, they are now both in a vegetative state (reports from
Baton Rouge indicate that no one has noticed).
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- President "W" Bush sought a clone so that he
could succeed himself in case he was killed in a terrorist attack.
Unfortunately, the cloning process was not
successfully completed, and only a "V" was produced. Rumors that
Dick Chaney intentionally dis-rupted the procedure could not be
confirmed.
- Chris Owens' attempt at having herself cloned
failed because not enough live tissue could be found on her body.
However, informed sources say that several pounds of make-up were
successfully reproduced.
- The effort to clone Rush Lim-baugh was unsuccessful
due to excessively high temperatures in the lab during the process.
"Just too much hot air," a lab technician reported sadly.
- On the other hand, the Britney Spears cloning
episode produced unintended hundreds of clones, which are reportedly
being kept bottled up in Kentwood. The problem was traced to another
K.A.O.S. lab technician, who kept saying "Oops, I did it again."
- The K.A.O.S. emir himself went in for cloning,
but the plug was pulled by his loyal royal con-sort, who opined
that "one of him is more than enough."
Latest word from the lab is that the entire menagerie
of K.A.O.S. clones will make a break for it on Saturday, January
19, during the Krewe du Vieux parade. Be prepared for lots of cloning
around.
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