Comatose Licks the Habit

Immediately sharing the joy of his discovery, the priapatic priest alerted all the local convents (and Catholic girls' schools). In the divinelyorgiastic epiphanies that followed, Comatose locked on to the formerly deprived, now depraved minds of the celebrants, and the secret was out.

Comatose will break its discovery to the world during the Krewe du Vieux parade on January 19, donning all manner of clerical garb and adorning itself with chasubles, albs, birettas, surplices, dalmatics, and mitres. Our Lady of Perpetual Mojo, the "Promptest Seductress of All", shall ride magnificently atop their float. She and her lustful pastor will exercise and exorcise to the sounds of holy brass band music. Collection plates will encourage bystanders to donate to the Comatose Nunnery for Nymphomaniacs. Comatose will lick the habit with missionary zeal.

IN THE CATTY-COMBS—A new discovery by the Krewe of Comatose could forever alter the face of Catholicism.

Searching for evidence of a depraved new world—a task the somnambulistic, mysterious krewe embraced with missionary zeal—Comatose used an assortment of smelling salts and other substances to rouse itself to what passes for life with this zombified group. Having achieved semi-conscious-ness, the languid souls prepared to lick dry the dew of depravity that mildews the masses.

Comatose decided to begin the investigation within the neurolo-gical underpinnings of spiritual and mystical experience deep with-in their own saturated minds. Brain autopsies of the current membership shockingly revealed the complete

lack of an amygdala, leaving them devoid of fear and unable to recognize threats.

Further tests revealed that continuous ingestion of psychedelics had put the brakes on the krewe's collective hippocampus, leaving them also unable even to maintain equilibrium. In short, they were uniquely qualified to access the subliminal consciousness of New Orleans.

The vision that came to them revealed a cunning, linguistic priest. This shadowy Father figure had studied ancient texts, and found a crucial mis-translation of a word from the earliest of priestly laws, a mistake that had been copied over and over through the ages. The error was simple, but the implications were staggering: that single, misinterpreted word was "celebrate", not "celibate".

Ad-Vice Column:

Dear Bubby

Dear Bubby,

I've just turned thirteen, I live in this Gloyland called Metairie, and life is one big putz. What can I do?

—Hopeless Herschel

Dear Herschel,

Stop your kvetching about the Metairie Muggles you live with. You are thirteen now, a Bar Mitzvah, a real man. Mazel Tov! You can now be counted in our magical minyon. Therefore, you have been admitted to our illustrious and conspiratorial training camp, located in the obscure mists of the Catskills. Hagritz, our school schlepp, will take you and your bags to the 9 and Three-Quarters St. Wharf, the secret location where our cruise ship docks (it's also a discount outlet, so don't forget to look for bargains!).

Once you arrive at our school, you must wear the sorting yarmulke,

learn your beschert, and submit to the theocratic rigors of our magickal indoctrination. Only the most heretical Rabbis daven here, under the astute, benevolent, yet firm hand of our Great and Permanent Leader, Maimonides Double-doormouth. Other faculty you will have the honor of studying under are:

• Professor Fatschmuck, gobblin and board member of the Green-spangotts Bank, teaches charming shpells, such as the levitation of interest payments.
• Professor Schnapps brews kosher potions, such as Creole sauces in which the ham hocks vanish before the guests arrive.
• If you're feeling randy or suffering from Jewish self-loathing, see Professor Mac-Goy-a-cuddle. She's an expert on transfiguration and can change your shiksa into a Nice Jewish Girl for a lifetime, an hour, fifteen minutes, whatever.

• Want to subvert the patriarchs? In this class you will fly high on brooms, frying pans, rolling pins, and other domestic symbols withMadame You-get-no-hoochi-Guc-ci, our strict Mistress of Quiddish Discipline.
• Finally, all of our hard-pressed efforts would be in vain if we failed to heed the lessons of Professor Squirrely, who teaches "Defenses Against the Goy Arts" (but is he secretly a Goy him-self?).

Don't forget you must pledge fealty to Donna the Jieuxish American Princess and Charlie the King of the Jieuxs. And please remember that Herbology is not officially offered for first-years and is in no way condoned, sanctioned or encouraged by the Stoned Sorcerors of the Hogwarts Yeshiva! First-years found imbibing weed, herbs or fungus from the enchanted forest will be smothered in the embrace of Rindy, the Three-Headed Pig!

Next Year at Hogwarts!